Postpartum Depression

Postpartum Depression

This post on postpartum depression continues the discussion on emotional support where I left off talking about the emotional support kids need. If you haven’t, I encourage you to read the prior posts.

Between my own attachment issues and what I realized about my son’s I balled. I mean my heart was in my stomach and I felt remorse, guilt, and hopelessness. Had I broken him? Could I make this right? What could I do? Yes, it had been an intense year.

There had to be a way to reach him. I knew what was wrong but I wasn’t sure how to make it right, or if it was too late after nine years. Attachment theory suggests that children develop their attachment style in the first couple years, generally the first year. Well that first year after his birth I didn’t have much to give emotionally.

I was never officially diagnosed with postpartum depression because I was/am one of those people who’s attachment style would not have had me be that vulnerable to open up to someone who might judge me and make me feel bad for not being good enough. 

Suffering in Silence

There were many days I suffered silently, considered never returning home, considered whether my family might be okay, if I were in a car crash and didn’t survive. Yeah. I would cry all the way back home after dropping my daughter off for her visitations with her dad. I wanted to be gone. That’s real. I’ll share a post about that time perhaps if folks are interested. It was a rough year for this introvert at home with an extreme extrovert who was also gifted. I struggled…a lot.

By the time I started getting back to myself he was a solid two years old. Two years. I loved him always but when you are depressed, that baby knows. Maybe I hid it from others, but he felt me.