It’s a Wellness AND Self Love Journey
This wellness journey (also a self love journey) has been so much more than I would’ve imagined. Last week driving home from picking up groceries I thought about where I was at that moment versus where I’d been. Mentally. I thought about the mild long-lasting depression I’d been in. I couldn’t even claim it was seasonal.
I felt so purposeless and lost. It had been going on since the end of 2022 and while there were periods that were better than others, generally my baseline was simply existing, trying to find meaning and purpose and be a valuable person in this world. I knew that I shouldn’t have anything to prove but I also felt as if there were these expectations of me. Who I’m supposed to be and what I’m supposed to do.
Who would I be if I wasn’t those things? In my last wellness journey log from 9.24.23 I talk about this.
Four Weeks In
Four weeks into this journey I sat in my car with tears slowly cresting my cheeks. “Why am I crying?” I asked myself only to realize it was because for the first that I could remember I was happy and content. Not because of what I’d contributed or put out in the world as a creative but because I’d been pouring into myself like never before.
No one else would benefit from all of this work except me and I didn’t feel guilty about it. I wasn’t writing, or doing readings, or even working on the poetry book I thought I might publish this month. I didn’t feel guilty. I was coming home with groceries to ensure I could eat what I needed and improve my family’s nutrition too. No guilt.
It’s a New Day
Every day I’m waking up excited to see what else is possible in my mind and body. I’m looking forward to working out, getting stronger, eating right and physically seeing the manifestation in my body and in how I feel. Nothing could compare. I’m hooked. I understand why this is a lifestyle for some. It’s helping me so much and the bonus is that I’m shedding unneeded baggage (also known as weight), getting fit, and strong.
I can’t be who I was again. Chasing this illusive identity that says what success must look like. That says what kind of creative I have to be. Right now, I’m creating myself in a new image. I know it’s a process and I’m trusting it.