Bernette5 Signs of a Good Parent
What is Good Parenting
If you’re here, maybe you are asking yourself this same question, What IS good parenting? How can I tell? Really? I grew up on 1980s sitcoms and 1960s-1970s sitcom reruns. I will admit I was an addict of Little House on the Prairie, Leave it to Beaver, and The Brady Bunch – even as a young Black girl living in the projects.
Yup. There was something about the moms and dads I wanted to understand I think. Something about their lives that seemed a bit surreal to me, but still like something I wanted to experience. Was that good parenting? Well, here’s my take with 5 signs of a good parent that you may find helpful.
I also watched Different Strokes, The Cosby Show, and Fresh Prince of Belair and a host of other shows in an era where television sitcoms still taught lessons amidst the humor and drama. Somehow a whole generation (mine) is still struggling with being good parents or good enough parents.
Am I Doing this Parenting Thing Right?
I find myself wondering on some days if I’m doing it right or right enough. An online search showed some other ideas of what good parenting is. They include things like taking care of your children’s needs now and preparing them for success in the future (whatever ‘success’ means). They included things like taking care of the entire child – more than the physical needs. This gets much closer to what I think good parenting is. It’s taking care of and nurturing your child from the inside out – spiritual, mental, emotional, and of course physical.
And this stuff is hard. My main job is being a mom and wife – that means my full time role is doing just this. When I worked outside the home, I remember how I felt that I was leaving some important element undone and how it ate at me. I can be a bit of an overthinker, but looking back I’m glad I was a bit paranoid about what I was or wasn’t putting into my daughter.
1. A Good Parent Makes Time
Parenting When You Don’t Have Much Time
I finished my master’s degree when she was a month shy of three years old. I’d spent the prior year and a half in school, working full time, and painfully ending my marriage to her father. I didn’t have a ton of spare time but I tried to make the most of the time I had. Nights when I didn’t have class I was home and with her until I put her to bed with cuddle time and story time and of course listening to her tell me about her day, including the mud pies she made with her friend or the inch worms. Whatever her little heart desired.
Then I’d get to my class work. When I finished school we did cuddle time and story time nightly until my son came along when she was in fourth grade. (That rocked my world, turning it upside down.) I didn’t realize until she was in high school and we’d sit in her room and she’d talk to me for hours about the mean girls and heart breaks.
There’s no such thing as perfect parenting. Nope. Good parenting, yes. As a good parent we try to be interactive, positive, meet our children’s needs, and help them learn to meet their own in an age appropriate way. We try to model good behavior in all areas of our lives. (One day I’ll share the Santitas incident.) As annoying as it is, they are watching. All the time. All the frigging time, even when all they can do is listen, they are still watching. Can a mom not enjoy her big bag of sour patch kids in peace? I mean, really?!
What else is good parenting about?
2. A Good Parent Models Healthy Relationships with Other Adults
How about modeling healthy relationships with other adults? We are literally raising children to become adults. I mean good adults, right? My time on the grand jury showed me a lot and is a reason I felt I needed to start this blog as a way to serve. There are a whole lot of people who haven’t received good parenting. They grew up but weren’t raised. And there is a definite difference. As long as you are still alive from childhood to adulthood you technically grew up (physically and probably mentally) but you weren’t necessarily raised into adulthood. You might not have been taught or shown the skills to cope with or manage stress, problems, finances, health, relationships, etcetera.
So many of the adults facing indictment were showing a lack of coping skills, a lack of understanding, a lack of self-love, a lack of respect for others. It was painful to see people’s lives ruined and some people’s lives lost because somewhere along the way, these adults missed something. Now not all of it goes back to parenting, but when statistics show that 85 percent of families are dysfunctional, I think it’s a good clue.
Let’s just say that 1. I don’t ever want to serve on another grand jury and 2. I don’t want anyone who comes across my blog and my content to find themselves awaiting possible indictment for a domestic crime.
3. A Good Parent Provides for Their Children’s Physical Needs
Let’s just get it out there right now. Children are expensive. Over the course of one childhood on average parents spent xxxx dollars. That’s just ONE child. Now multiply that by however many children you may have. Kids ain’t cheap. However, you are expected to meet their basic physical needs like food, clothing, shelter and healthcare. The evening I wrote this I just got off the phone with a young single mother who was experiencing financial instability. She said she was living in a motel with her children, one of which had been out of school sick for two days.
She was asking for help. Maybe she was being honest, maybe she wasn’t. I wasn’t the one who she’d ultimately have to answer to for what she told me. Bottom line is children are expensive. Having them requires that you can meet their needs. There is help out there and if you are experiencing financial instability as a parent, please seek out resources.
Most people consider meeting the children’s needs a basic necessity and a given for a parent. Where it gets a little less defined for some people is parenting for the emotional and mental health of a child. We know we’ve seen the well dressed, well groomed, child living in a nice home with all the physical luxuries their parent(s) can afford – yet they’d give it all up for their parents attention.
4. A Good Parent Provides for Their Children’s Emotional Health Needs
It’s tough to measure this one when it’s happening. You can see if a child is dirty, malnourished, or improperly clothed. You can see if a child is acting out at school – fighting, bullying other kids, being difficult. But those don’t necessarily point to emotional health, not always. They are signs something is going on at home that is resulting in unhealthy behaviors outside of the home. You may have read my blog post about what happens inside the home being reflected outside.
Parents generally will meet the basic needs of a child and caring for our children’s emotional health needs is as important, if not more so. It’s being emotionally available and present to our children.
Simple things to be available might be playing a game with them, holding them while you watch television (or just sitting close), listening to them talk (actually listening and responding), paying attention to things that interest them and taking an interest in their interests.
It can be letting them know you are proud of them for how they handled a difficult situation (so it’s not always tied to some obvious thing like tests, sports, or competitions) or how you admire their tenacity to complete some personal project or the courage to try something new, even if they didn’t get the result they wanted. It’s remembering things that are important to them (anniversaries, birthdays, recitals) and showing up when you say will. Yes, that’s a big one. How many kids are permanently scarred emotionally by a parent promising to be there at a game or show or just to pick them up for the weekend?
Read Supporting Your Children’s Emotional Health Needs
Read about Child Abuse and Neglect.
5. A Good Parent Loves Their Children
We all love our children, even if we aren’t the best at showing it consistently. Maybe we have our own healing we need to work through so we can be more present for our children and more able to meet their physical and emotional needs. If so, it’s worth it to get the support you need. Is it easy? Not really. You deserve it and so do your children.
I mean digging up pain isn’t easy. Especially if you’ve learned well how to keep it tamped down so you could function responsibly. But dig it up, deal with it, and what’s left over bury somewhere. Like, actually bury it somewhere or have a fire burning ceremony. That mess needs to leave your body, your system, and go somewhere else where it can’t hurt anyone else.
You read this far which means you’ve got this. I see that good parent in you.
What Next?
Did you find yourself feeling uncomfortable reading some of these signs? That’s okay, it just means there’s an opportunity to step into that mom role even more. If you’re ready to continue your journey to be the best parent you can be, let’s talk.
