BernetteFor When You Have Disagreements, Arguments, or Behavior Correction
I’m sharing this list of 5 things to avoid in difficult conversations in families because nobody likes arguing or disagreements. They are uncomfortable and put us in an emotional state that can often lead to flight or flight mode. And if you’ve spent any time alive it probably triggers something.
Most people have some kind of wounding from when they were left emotionally hurt from an argument, felt powerless or out of control.
I want bliss in my life but even bliss comes with having to work through things to get to the other side. We wish we could just fast forward and skip to the peace, love and harmony. But then we miss the blessings in the lessons and the work to get there. We won’t get to build the muscle that we’ll use next time.
People want to have peace. How we behave during an argument or disagreement or even when correcting someone’s behavior can have a lasting impact that affects peace.
Relationships Intact – Some Interesting Facts
Maybe people are doing better at communicating. Divorce rates are at an all time 50 year low as of 2020 according to the Institute of Family Studies.
While those already on the verge seemed to expedite divorces, the survey included in the report for IFS suggests that the pandemic may have actually brought couples together. That’s pretty awesome. Interestingly enough, on the flip side 2019 data showed that new marriage rates also hit an all time low. But that’s for another day perhaps.
Back to those things you should avoid in having disagreements. While you can use this with your family, you can take it into the outside world. Use it in your work, community, and wherever else. The general principles apply.
The 5 Things to Avoid in Difficult Conversations in Families
During Arguments, Disagreements and Behavior Correction
The following list are 5 things not to do during an argument, disagreement or when correcting someone in your family. Resources included personal experience, a course I’ve taken on parenting, as well as internet research.
- Avoid Attacking the Person Instead of the Problem in Difficult Conversations
- Avoid Stonewalling in Difficult Conversations
- Avoid Reliving Past Mistakes in Difficult Conversations
- Avoid Winning No Matter What in Difficult Conversations
- Avoid Aggressive or Avoidant Body Language in Difficult Conversations
1. Avoid Attacking the Person Instead of the Problem in Difficult Conversations
Avoid attacking the person in those difficult conversations. Name-calling, degrading, or bringing up their insecurities, weaknesses or flaws. They may give advantage in the moment but are hard to move past and may leave lasting resentment.
My ex-husband was a master of the personal attack. It was pulled out during every disagreement. It always left a bad feeling no matter what the end result of the argument was. Never attack the person themselves because that will also erode the trust that you are actually on their side and love them for who they are.
Remember the disagreement is usually over something specific that was done or said or not done or said. Keep the discussion on topic by addressing the problem or behavior. Even a behavior is not the person. The person may have a behavior but behaviors can change. Leave the person in tact as much as possible, understanding they are human, we are all flawed, and everyone really is doing the best they can with what they know and the resources they have.
2. Avoid Stonewalling in Difficult Conversations
When having a difficult conversation with your family avoid stonewalling your partner or children. Walking away, shutting down or disengaging without warning can leave the other person confused, alone and frustrated. This is unfair and can be seen as emotional bullying.
This is another tactic employed by my ex-husband. In the midst of a disagreement he’d grab his car keys and leave. I wouldn’t hear from him for hours. Who knew where he’d gone or what he was doing? It left me feeling insecure, questioning his commitment, and of course imagining all kinds of scenarios. Do not just walk out. It can lead to your partner also feeling abandoned.
Instead, if feeling overwhelmed, say something about that and say you need a break and set time to come back to continue the discussion.
3. Avoid Reliving Past Mistakes in Difficult Conversations
Avoid time traveling during an argument.
“Remember when you did x, y AND z?”
“You can’t even talk when you used to do ‘lmnop’.”
Even phrases like ‘you always’ can fall into this category when employed to remind the person of their past mistakes that aren’t related to the present moment. It’s like guilt-tripping them with their history.
The past is usually not relevant to the particular situation at hand and should not be part of the argument. It deflects and distracts while making the other person more defensive (they are being attacked).
Ummm, yeah, ‘he’ did this too. This can feel similar to the first thing to avoid – Attacking the person.
If something from the past is bothering you, set another time to discuss that concern. Again, stay focused and avoid creating new arguments and rabbit holes you get lost in and then can’t resolve the present because you are living in the past.
4. Avoid Winning No Matter What in Difficult Conversations
Avoid winning at any cost. This tactic assumes you and the other person (spouse, family member or friend) are on different teams and against each other. It is difficult to listen well when your mind is preparing for the next argument. Winning an argument at any cost is like having a Pyrrhic victory.
According to Wikipedia, “ A Pyrrhic victory is a victory that inflicts such a devastating toll on the victor that it is tantamount to defeat. A Pyrrhic victory takes a heavy toll that negates any true sense of achievement or damages long-term progress.”
You’ve met your immediate goal of winning at the long-term risk of losing the strength of your relationship. You’ve now hurt the relationship, damaged trust, and perhaps done emotional damage to someone you actually love.
Remember you’re on the same team now and after this disagreement. This of course assumes you actually want to be in a relationship. If you are trying to end it, that’s a different story, but I still believe in leaving folks with dignity intact as much as possible. You can walk across a bridge without burning it down.
5. Avoid Aggressive or Avoidant Body Language in Difficult Conversations
Avoid aggressive, defensive, and avoidant body language. Communication is 80% body language and in a disagreement, argument or when correcting someone else emotions may be high, making our body language even louder.
According to an article in Huffpost, “Feelings that are common in conflict ― such as anger, frustration, and emotional pain ― tend to come with big energy,” marriage and family therapist Lynsie Seely said. “As a result, we may inadvertently ‘puff up’ or get big, slam a fist on the table, make large and abrupt gestures, get up into the other person’s personal space or yell loudly.”
The article continues to mention how these body language cues aren’t always that obvious. Ever felt like someone has disengaged because you’ve lost eye contact? They are now looking at the television, their phone, out the window. They may be a bit more obvious by doing the eye roll or twisting their face up (curling up their lips, furrowing their eyebrows, cocking head to the side, you know all those things that give you an obvious cue they are no longer interested in communicating or even have contempt for the conversation.
In addition to the above list when in “fight” mode we may pull out some other tricks and not fight fair. We may not even know it or recognize we’re using these tricks but they can put a barrier up and put an end to effective communication.
These barriers to having effective communication may make the other person more defensive and slip into flight or fight mode.
What Else Might Be Important?
If you’re the one doing these things you might not even know, because you’re so in the moment and your body is reacting to your internal emotions. Those emotions are showing up all in your body language. It’s a hard pill to swallow if you start thinking back to past conversations and disagreements. I can think about when I crossed my arms (a visual shut down cue) or turned my body to the side as if at any moment I might decide to leave (a sign of not being fully committed to the conversation). Ugh.
Sometimes, though, these cues are more subtle, like avoiding eye contact (by looking at your phone or turning toward the TV), rolling your eyes or using other facial expressions that convey contempt, Seely said. And you may not even realize you’re doing these things.
In addition to the above list when in “fight” mode we may pull out some other tricks and not fight fair. We may not even know it or recognize we’re using these tricks but they can put a barrier up and put an end to effective communication.
This Isn’t the End
We will all have some difficult conversations. Remember you want to leave the argument or disagreement with each person in tact, feeling heard, respected, and even if there is hurt and you don’t necessarily agree – you know there is love and understanding. Avoiding the above five things will go a long way in helping you preserve the relationship and not drop an atomic bomb on your marriage, partnership or relationship with your children.
Those things leave lasting imprints in the mind’s emotional home (limbic system) so when we have another situation we respond based on that past event. Enough ‘bad’ arguments or disagreements and the programming starts to stick (think about how this can impact a child’s future skills in having difficult conversations and learn more about supporting your children’s emotional health).
I’ll have another blog post soon on tips for more effective communication. Make sure you’re subscribed to my blog so you don’t miss that.
Now that I’ve shared these five things for families to avoid when having a disagreement, argument, or correcting their children, which of the five above tips do you already avoid doing? Which one will you work on avoiding during your next agreement? Leave your comments below.
Learn more about my family coaching or clearing the energy in your home after an explosive or emotionally-charged argument.
